It is 3:03PM on Skywalker Ranch, and GEORGE LUCAS is pacing behind his large desk in a large office, staring at the ground and wringing his hands. He’s freaking out. On the wall behind him is a large reprint of the Mona Lisa, only she is wearing a New York Mets hat, Aviator Glasses, and a dog is catching a Frisbee in the background.
GEORGE: Oh boy… shhhhh… shhhh… shit!
GEORGE mouths some words silently, as if he’s in an argument, he stops pacing, and looks at the large faced digital clock on his desk just as it strikes 3:04PM
GEORGE lets out an exasperated groan. He reaches into one of his desk drawers and pulls out a folder. Inside are about 20 pages, furiously marked with red marker, with arrows, X’s, question marks, and notes.
GEORGE: (Manically reading) “And so, it is plain to see that…” …
GEORGE: Eh. Damn. Shhhhhh… SHIT! “And so, in conclusion, it is obvious to the reader that…” “Thetherfore, any reader at this point undoubtedly…” YUCK! “In a general sentiment which is best understood by….”
GEORGE Throws the paper to his side, looks up at the ceiling in desperation – perhaps the words he is looking for are floating in the air above… they are not.
GEORGE looks back at the clock, just as it strikes 3:05PM.
GEORGE: Here goes nothing…
GEORGE pushes a buzzer on his desk to ring his secretary.
GEORGE: Tish, can you please call now-Thank you!
TISH (through speaker on the desk): Yes Mister Lucas.
GEORGE sits at his desk, and places his hands over his face and let’s out a moan of failure.
TISH: I’m connecting you now, Mr. Lucas.
GEORGE immediately perks up. He sits straight in his chair and stairs intently ahead, focused.
Over the loud speaker on his desk, we hear the voice of an old woman.
WOMAN ON PHONE: Uhh hello…? Yes? This is Mildred Denblur.
GEORGE: (singsongy) Hello Mrs. Denblur! This is your favorite student ever from the class of ’53??
MRS. DENBLUR: Excuse me?
GEORGE: Oh Mrs. Denblur, don’t tell me you’ve forgotten me! Why, if you didn’t remember old George Lucas, I don’t know what I’d do! Ha-ha-ha!
GEORGE smiles, and spins in his chair in delight.
MRS. DENBLUR: George Lucas… oh my, I am sorry. I work with so many students each year, it’s hard to keep track. How may I help you, George?
GEORGE: Well Mrs. Denblur, I appreciate your time in advance. If you recall, I had sent you a package some 3 years ago… and 3 years before that as well.
MRS DENBLUR: Ahh… hold on one minute… Yes! I remember now, you sent me to tell some loose-leafs about a book or something… how did the book turn out.
GEORGE: Not a book, Mrs. Denblur. Book report. I wanted to resubmit to you a re-edit of one of my book reports.
MRS. DENBLUR: A book report? I am afraid I don’t follow…
GEORGE stops his chairs spin, holds on to the desk intensely and focuses on the speaker.
GEORGE: On April 6th 1953 I handed in a book report on “Scuffy the Tug Boat.” Do you recall that Mrs. Denblur?
MRS. DENBLUR: … no Mr. Lucas, I am afraid I do not.
GEORGE: Well, I’ll refresh your memory. I stayed up all night working on that book report, I drew a picture of the front cover and handed that in as well. It had a rough opening, but all the moving pieces fit… and you gave me an A.
MRS DENBLUR: Did I?
GEORGE: Yes. An A.
MRS DENBLUR: Well it must have been a very good book report!
GEORGE: Oh and it was, Mrs. Denblur, it was! But here’s the problem… Do you remember Billy Pinch? Red hair, glasses, sat two rows behind me?
MRS DENBLUR: Oh I’m afraid not George, it’s just that…
GEORGE: Well Bill Pinch got an A… PLUS! An A PLUS! I couldn’t believe it! I Wept on my pillow for DAYS, Mrs. Denblur. There is no way, no possible way that miserable little shit Billy Pinch could out do my work. NO WAY!
MRS DENBLUR: George, I’m sorry, but-
In one motion, GEORGE whips out of his seat, and points to the speaker on his desk.
GEORGE: Don’t be sorry Mrs. Denblur. Your tough love had a silver lining. It kept me on my toes. And now I’m happy to say, 57 years later, I think I’ve finally got a book report on “Scuffy the Tug Boat” that is worth well beyond and A! And I think you’ll agree with me.
MRS DENBLUR.: George, I am confused… you have a what?
GEORGE: A new draft. I’ve worked out some kinks, smoothed the transitions. I have a 25 page document being delivered to your house as we speak by one of my interns. I just wanted to let you know to expect it, and that I’d like to hear back from you by Monday with my final grade.
MRS DENBLUR: Someone is coming here? To my house? With a 25 page book report?
GEORGE returns to his chair, leans back and puts his feet on his desk.
GEORGE: Not just “someone” – one of my interns. Harvard Grad, nice gal too. She’s staying at a hotel near your home until Monday, when she will pick up the newest draft with it’s final grade.
MRS DENBLUR: I… I… I don’t know what to say. This is all very unusual.
GEORGE: Mrs Denblur, you are going to love it!
MRS DENBLUR: George, I am an old woman now. I have given out thousands of A’s, and A pluses, and B’s and C’s and even F’s. So many grades. If you received an A from me, I can tell you that your work was exceptional. If it needed re-writing I would have let you re-write it.
GEORGE: I appreciate your pity Mrs. Denblur, but I’m afraid you miss the point.
MRS DENBLUR: No George, I believe that you are missing the point. What is the purpose of trying to change something that doesn’t need to be changed? What are you looking to gain? You may NOT re-submit your book report.
GEORGE: You take that back!! You take back everything you just said to me!! I am George Lucas!! I say what exists and what doesn’t!!
MRS DENBLUR: I’m sorry George, I must go now. Good bye…
GEORGE: Don’t you hang up!
Mrs. Denblur hangs up, and the room fills with the droning dial tone.
GEORGE heaves heavy breathes, and looks at the phone on his desk furiously.
Fish and Worm
Underwater. A worm, pierced with a fishhook, drops into the water and dangles from a fishing line.
WORM: I am chosen! I am chosen! Oh my how exhilarating!
The worm begins to cry tears of joy.
WORM: Oh what extraodinary things for me to behold! A whole new world I’ve never imagined! I must be blessed! Blessed! BLESSED!!
A large fish approaches.
WORM: Brother! Brother! Over here…
The worm stops crying, wiggles and jerks on the line to get the attention of the fish. It is successful, the fish turns to look at the worm head on, and moves closer to look at it.
WORM: Brother! What a glorious day it has been and is! It is almost more than a soul can bare!
FISH: Glub, blub (mostly air bubbles)
WORM: (Gasp) You speak in tongues! This must be heaven! My brother in His name, it is so good to meet you!
The fish begins to circle the dangling worm.
FISH: Blub-blub, glub.
WORM: Right-o friend! This fantastic world, and the fact that either of us is here today is no mere coincidence. Believe my words brother, for I have seen Him.
FISH: (stops circling. Stares at worm.)
WORM: He the creator! He saved me from the mud, took me to a beautiful place, all white, and filled with the most amazing dirt! I was led into the most beautiful, deep slumber in a cool, dry place. Never had I thought I would be chosen to bare witness, but… here I am!
FISH: (slowly looks above the fish following the line)
WORM: You will notice that I have been given special attention: I have been chosen to bare His burden! Pierced me with this metal. A sign of His devotion and a rememberance of His sacrifice no doubt! You will not believe what he did next.
FISH: (opens it’s mouth, and moves closer to the worm.)
WORM: I flew! The Creator taught me how to fly!
FISH: (Immediately closes mouth.)
WORM: Indeed my brother! And that is what has brought me here today. He has given my life purpose, and He has sent me to you! I am his vessel, and if you follow my word, I will lead you to Him! Believe my words, brother, our lives are enriched by his power! (Singing to the tune of Glory, Glory Halleluah) Follow me oh brother and we’ll both be saved by him!
FISH: (Snaps his eyes back to the worm and stares blankly) Glub.
WORM: You are an important part of his plan! We are all part of his plan! I will lead you to him brother! Believe! You must believe!
At this point, the line is pulled towards the shore, and the worm is slowly pulled. The fish follows, and opens his mouth again, and begins to slowly move towards the worm. The worm begins to sing again:
WORM (singing): The light which brightens the world, will shine upon me, as brightly as it shines, on my brother, for life ever lasting.
The fish swallows deep, inhaling the fish, the hook, and part of the line. It is jerked quickly out of the water, and is later eaten for dinner.
A middle aged man sits on a park bench.
Up walks a man shabbily-dressed as a mime. He’s got a gut, and his makeup looks as if done in a hurry. He looks like a mime action figure someone put in a microwave.
The mime smiles like a jackass and starts making all sorts of frantic gestures: Riding a bicycle, surfing on a wave, eating a sandwich. Not the typical mime act. A lot stupider.
The man on the bench looks away so as to not make further eye contact with the mime.
The mime looks at the man, sighs a big sigh, and frustrated begins:
MIME: You know what!? You’re right! This isn’t how its supposed to be!
The man on the bench continues to look away. The mime looks away in disgust, and then slumps on to the bench next to the man.
MIME: You know, I’m like you. I didn’t see this coming either. THIS!
The mime points to his gut.
MIME: Or this!
He points to his face. The man on the bench looks over quickly, then returns his gaze away from the mime.
MIME: ’Move to New York.’ ‘You have talent!’ of course I’d be noticed here! Yeah, right! I should have stayed in Peoria.
The mime pulls a cigarette out of his pocket and lights up.
MIME: You know I was this close to landing the Lion King? This close. Me on Broadway. Never happened.
Guy On The Bench looks over, acknowledging the Mime’s presence, obviously intrigued on where this story’s going.
MIME: They said I was too short! Ha! Should have stayed in Peoria. Wasn’t too short out there. I was the lead in Cats. People cared about theater there! They cared about ME! And it’s not like my mother wouldn’t have been proud either but instead now… Listen, again, I’m sorry for bothering you.
The mime stubs out his cigarette, tucks the rest behind his ear, and gets up to leave.
GUY ON BENCH: Hey. Here.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a $5 bill.
MIME: Oh… Nah… I don’t want it.
The mime looks hurt – the kind of hurt look when someone is offered dessert after a big meal.
GUY: Listen, once you get paid for doing it, it technically makes you a professional. Take it.
The mime frowns.
GUY (waving the $5): Go on, come on.
MIME: Aww shucks…. Thanks.
The man smiles, gets up from the bench and struts away feeling pretty damn good about himself. The mime slips the money in his pocket, sighs again and looks off.
A woman pushing a stroller walks by, and the mime’s face lights up. He runs in front of the stroller and starts his same terrible act as before. He terribly mimes: rowing a boat, lifting a heavy bag, and slipping on a banana peel. The act is terribly executed. The woman moves the stroller and tries to walk around him.
MIME: You know what, you’re right! This isn’t how its supposed to be…
The woman with the stroller stops and turns to the mime, concerned as if she offended him.
MIME: “I should have stayed in Peoria! You know, I’m just like you… I didn’t see this coming either…”
Army of Darkness
If I had this book, I would read it all the time, but never outloud.
Photo with 1 note
Patton Oswalt will star in a Broadway Production of “Lips Together, Teeth Apart” A play by Terrence McNally. Judging by this photo, Patton is ready to be awesome.
It’s amazing I can’t find a better quality version than this. What a great song…
My dad got this on his birthday one year at college. I forget how things went down, as I recall, he bought John Hartford’s “Aereo-Plane” based on the album cover - a picture of a dude in aviator goggles with a big bushy beard. As it turns out, it became one of his all time favorites. And it’s one of the best albums I’ve ever heard. I borrowed this from my dad when I was in 7th or 8th grade - it felt like listening to it made me older.
Again, sorry for the quality, but it’s the best i could dig up.
Page 1 of 3